This is Me

 Yesterday I deleted a blog post I made because someone told me I shouldn't put that "crap" on the internet.  I then was like fine I'll delete it, but now I regret deleting it.  I feel that I can write that I'm lonely and jealous, those are my feelings I had and I believe that in some ways that is what blogging is about.  I may have gotten carried away with the self pity.  The time that I wrote the blog, "a lonely outsider" I was having a bad week, heaven forbid that I'm human.  No, I don't need professional help. By blogging I was talking to those who I consider friends and family that could help, and I'm grateful for their inspiring and uplifting responses.  I am not a perfect human being and I have flaws I wish I didn't, like jealousy and loneliness, and obviously I know that jealousy isn't going to get me any where. I know that I do have friends out there.

I'm a person that has a competitive spirit and I feel like I always have to be competing with someone.  I realize that it causes feeling that get me into trouble.  I also have weak skin, which I'm told constantly to toughen it up ( especially when I'm refereeing).   My sister told me to let things go and be the better person, of course she is right, but this is where that competitive spirit gets me into trouble.  I don't like when I have been mocked by someone who doesn't know me.  Especially if they are going to be family.  If it was a friend of a relative than who cares.  But me and that thin skin...
I said on the post I deleted "that my older sisters were like distant relatives and if I didn't deal with them much it wouldn't be a loss".  I do feel like they are distant relatives, and we don't talk hardly at all.  Why I said that it wouldn't be a loss was because we are leading different lives and I feel that they already thought that about me, so of course I had to beat them from saying it first.  Plus I believe their significant others don't like me and I'm hurt by that, like really hurt.  The one husband and I used to work together and were friends and then all of a sudden, I'm disliked by him.  The other soon to be husband I don't even know,   so I wanted to make it easier on all of us and we all just stay away. 


I love being outdoors and hiking and playing sports, I think that keeps my spirit well nourished and out of trouble.  I am going to miss doing those things with my best friend for awhile and I believe that is what I was trying to get across in the post that caused some havoc.

I love my family so much, Big T is such a blessing to us and I'm so grateful that my Heavenly Father trusted us with him.  I am also grateful that Coach was able to come into my life.  I love having his love ( if that makes any sense).  He is the guy that has his head on straight and usually keeps me out of trouble and helps me see things in a different light.   He has never publicly put down a member of my family. 

I love me, I am human and have flaws and moments of weakness.  I can be a ditzy brunette at times, and I speak my own language.  Others out there speak it as well, which is quite impressive.  Sometimes Coach still has troubles with it.  I'm out of shape,  but skinny so it can be deceiving.  I speak sometimes before I think, and like I said before I am competitive ( but honestly not at everything).  I am trigger shy, which makes me not fit into my family, but I do enjoy shooting. I enjoy sports and hanging with family and friends.  If anyone ever needed me, I 'd be there in a heartbeat.  And most of all, I love ice cream and my family. My family more, but ice cream is right up there.  I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. A church which is full of imperfect people who are trying to make themselves better people and sometimes we fall short.  We are no better than anyone else.  I love my Heavenly Father and I love Jesus Christ who I know is real and I know he answers prayers.  He loves everyone.  I truly wish I had more of his qualities, but I've fallen short. 

This is me. If you don't like it than I believe that it is your problem and I respect that.